Over the Rainbow
by The Red Celt
Summary: Earth is burning and Shepard mourns her homeworld. Garrus comes to help her deal with her pain. Rated T for language.


The last few days had passed in a blur. One day she was bored out of her skull in Alliance lock-up, the next she was on board the Normandy again on another impossible mission to save the galaxy. There were so many things to get done, so many billions of lives at stake, and she was now tasked with bringing together all the races in the galaxy to fight the greatest threat they had ever faced, whether they liked it or not. It was like trying to scale a mountain made out of Jell-o.

The single bright spot of hope that had come of all this was finding Garrus on Menae. She had already determined that she was not going to leave the Apien Crest without him, and when she'd found him on that moon she decided right then that his battered armor was the most beautiful thing she'd ever seen. It took all her military training not to leap into his arms right in front of god and everybody.

Once they'd picked up a few old friends, they started the mission in earnest. She'd already done more than anyone thought possible by brokering a peace treaty between the turians and the krogan, but there was so much . . . so much more to do.

As much as they needed to get the job done and quickly, an angsty crew was an ineffective crew and she knew that. Most of these people had lost their homes or someone they cared about, and those that hadn't were sick with worry about what the future would bring. There wasn't going to be a chance for any shore leave for a few more days, but she'd told Joker to "drop anchor", as it were, so they could all spend the night getting completely and thoroughly tore-the-fuck-up. There was an impressive stock of alcohol on the Normandy after their last trip to the Citadel, and now everyone was gathered in the mess hall making the most of the impromptu party. Even Shepard herself seemed happy enough to watch everyone talk and joke around. Vega had challenged Cortez to an arm wrestling match that he was currently losing, Tali was debating with Adams about how to reconfigure the drive core, and Sam Traynor was busy chatting up a very giggly Liara who was turning a beautiful shade of purple. Garrus sat next to Shepard, occasionally reaching over to hold her hand, not saying much, just content to be with her.

Joker, along with Doctor Chakwas, was doing a very loose interpretation of "Sweet Child of Mine," Joker belting out his best Axl Rose impression while Chakwas followed along with the harmony, and pretty soon everyone who knew the words was singing along. That evolved into everyone reminiscing about their favorite songs from home, and it became a game of sorts. They went around the room and made it through "Mrs. Robinson," "You Give Love a Bad Name," and most of "Bohemian Rhaphsody" (Tali had surprised everyone by being a huge Queen fangirl). Shepard was sipping her drink and leaning against Garrus with a small smile on her face.

"Commander Shepard," said Doctor Chakwas, still as classy as ever despite being three sheets to the wind. Shepard couldn't help but grin—the doctor certainly did enjoy her brandy. "It's your turn."

"No thanks, Doc, I'm fine right here."

"Oh, come on Commander!" said Joker. "Cut loose a little!"

"Leave it, Joker, or I'm gonna replace your pilot's seat with a plastic lawn chair."

"Don't you have a favorite song, Shepard?" asked Liara, her fingers tracing circles on Samantha's sleeve.

She knew then what this game was really all about. It was fun on the surface, sure, but underneath it was a need to keep their memories of Earth focused on the good things. Their home planet was a burning wreck, so was Palaven and a lot of other worlds. Singing the old songs helped them remember what they were fighting for. It was in that spirit that Shepard, after looking into her glass for inspiration, began to sing.

Garrus didn't know what he expected, but it certainly wasn't this.

Shepard had never really done anything more than hum around him before, so he was completely thrown when she started to sing, her voice a rich alto—untrained, but plaintive and clear.

"Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high," she sang. Slowly the conversation in the room died until the only sound was her voice. "There's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby." She stared into her glass the whole time, the aching strains carrying through the whole room. They didn't hear the way her voice caught in her throat as she sang the lines, "And the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true." They didn't see the sheen of unshed tears in her eyes, or the way her singing changed slightly halfway through and became something more than a performance. She was singing her own unsaid wish, a lament for her home world, the words expressing something she'd never say aloud to anyone. The changes were so small that no one noticed, except Garrus. He knew her better than anyone, and knew in that moment she was revealing more about herself than the others would ever guess.

Samantha sang the last few lines with her, their voices twining around each other in harmony until the last word drew out with soft vibrato. There was applause from everyone and Shepard looked embarrassed and . . . strange. Hollow, almost.

"All right, all right, someone get me a goddamn drink," she said, and Garrus let his hand linger on her shoulder before going to the bar. When he turned around, her chair was empty. Thinking that she must have gone to the bathroom or something, he sat down and waited for her.

Five minutes.

Ten minutes.

Fifteen minutes.

Finally he decided he'd fidgeted enough and went to ask EDI where Shepard had gone. It still strange, being able to talk to EDI face to face.

"The Commander is currently in her quarters," she said. Garrus mumbled a thanks in her general direction and went to the elevator.

When he arrived on her floor, he heard something crash into the wall on the other side of the door. He quietly palmed the door open and saw her on her knees, one hand clutched to her chest and the other balled into a fist, ground into the carpet. Her breath was coming fast and sounded like it was tearing out of her throat and her hair was a disheveled mess that swung in her face as she rocked back and forth. Her shoulders shook as she cried—only "cry" seemed like the wrong word for what she was doing. Her voice was thick, choked, and hoarse as she sobbed, and she hunched over even farther as a tortured wail clawed out of her throat. Hot tears streamed down her face and fell on the floor, and her sleeve was smeared where she'd wiped her nose with it. She pounded the floor and screamed and it was the most awful sound he had ever heard anyone make, human or otherwise.

_Sprirts, it sounds like she's breaking_. Garrus approached her slowly and kneeled down next to her. As soon as he touched her shoulder, she whipped her head up to look at him and the look in her eyes was one of absolute despair and terror. Before he could say anything, she flung her arms around him with such force that he almost fell over and she clung to his armor like it was the last thing standing between her and oblivion. She dug her face into his neck and he wrapped his arms around her and held on tight as she fell apart. He didn't know what to do; he had never seen her like this before. Not after Virmire, not after Horizon, not after the Collector base. All he could do was hold her and be with her, and it was breaking his heart that she was hurting so badly but he could do nothing to fix it.

"I can't do this anymore, Garrus, please, I can't be this anymore, I can't keep doing this." She sobbed, her breath hitching and catching, hot against his neck. "I need you to be safe but I need you with me, too, so I keep taking you with me knowing that you could get killed, and it's tearing me apart because _I cannot lose you, dammit_. It's too heavy, I can't take it anymore. I just want to go home. I want to go home, but there's nothing left and it's not fucking _fair_. I don't want to be Commander Shepard anymore."

He buried his face in her hair and tried to soothe her with his sub-vocals, that voice she loved so much rumbling through his armor and across her body. He had no idea how long they stayed like that—minutes? hours? His leg was starting to shake and his arm was falling asleep, but he wouldn't move for anything in the world. He murmured all those little comforting nonsense words, "Shhh, baby, I'm here, I'm not leaving you." Right then he understood why humans cried, how an emotion could be so enormous that it couldn't be held inside anymore. He rocked her until her sobs quieted and her breath came a little easier, still shuddering and shaky but not as desperate anymore. Her grip on his armor started to relax and she lay against his shoulder, not saying anything.

After a long time she straightened up and tried to fix her hair but soon gave up and dropped her arms to her sides. "I'm so tired, Garrus," she said, swiping tears from her eyes. "I'm just one person, I'm not a fucking superhero." Spirits, she sounded so drained.

"I know." He stroked her arm slowly and brushed her hair back from her face. "But I am going to be here with you until the end. You don't have to do this alone anymore."

She put her hands on either side of his face and kissed him. "I can't lose you, Garrus. It would break me."

"I don't want to lose you either, but I won't stay back on the ship just so you can keep me safe." He took her face in his hands and looked into her eyes. "I will always be there to watch your six. If I can catch a rocket with my face and live, then I can handle a few Reapers." She laughed weakly and they stayed there like that for a long time studying each other, committing the other's face to memory.

"Garrus?"

"Hmmm?"

"Stay with me tonight?"

"Absolutely." They stood up and she helped him out of his armor, then he took off her stained jacket and they climbed under the covers, Shepard cradled against his chest. His arm draped across her stomach and she slid her fingers along the smooth ridged plates on his forearm.

"Maybe we could find a planet somewhere far away and just stay there until this is over," she said.

"Are there other people on this planet?" he asked, his breath stirring her hair.

"Nope, just you and me."

"Jungle or desert?"

"Forests," she said, laying a gentle kiss on his palm before returning it to her stomach. "Tall trees that turn red and orange in the fall, lakes for swimming . . . maybe we could build a cabin or something."

"Hmmm, that sounds nice. What will we do for food?"

"We could hunt for game, grow our own vegetables." They both chuckled at that; a pair of military heroes farming in the woods.

"Do we have kids on this planet?"

"Oh, um . . . yeah, one boy and one girl. She takes after you, total daddy's girl. The boy has your eyes and my hair."

"Sounds like heaven."

She paused long enough that Garrus thought she'd fallen asleep. "If I don't do this, I'm not sure anyone else can."

Garrus didn't say anything, just hummed into her hair and stroked her side.

"I love you so much. It scares the shit out of me sometimes, you know?"

"Yeah, I think I do, Jane." She smiled a little then. It had taken a long time to get him to start using her first name when it was just the two of them. "But you've got me for as long as you want me."

"No more catching rockets with your face?"

"Promise."

"I'm going to hold you to that," she said, her words low and mumbled with sleepiness.

"I wouldn't have it any other way."


End file.
